There's no doubt I’ve been in a slump lately, I haven’t paid much attention (and actually put myself on a pause) to social media lately, I haven’t had the urge to create new YouTube videos for my channel, and I keep getting this nagging feeling that I’m missing something (better yet, I’m panicked about something). And this has been going on, in one way or another, for a couple years now.
But I think I’ve actually figured out what it is that’s causing this slump, and it’s going to sound stupid to potentially a ton of people. I think I’m having a mid life crisis.
I’m 36 years old, and it just dawned on me that I have no fucking clue who I am. Not in my photography, not in my life, not in what I want to do for work (that one has always alluded me though). I don’t know who I am, I have NO clue what I’m actually “good” at, and I hate the thought of dying and being remembered for……what? I know there are plenty of “things/events” family and friends would remember me for, but if you asked them “Who was Andrew Hoyle”, I honestly don’t know what you would get as a response.
I’ve never understood why one identity means so much, up until recently, and truthfully I’m still not sure I fully understand it. But I’ve come to think on it a lot more lately, and while thinking on it I appreciate true artists so much more now than ever before. True artists, and I mean the ones that express themselves in everything they do, are fucking amazing. They searched and found their true selves, crafted it over years, and evolved constantly as they found out more and more about themselves. Also, I want to mention that when I say “True Artist” I don’t just mean a brush and canvas artist, I mean an artist in every creative fashion.
I knew getting into photography I’d have a long road ahead, with many things to experience, learn, evolve with, and figure out. I didn’t know how easy it would be to fall into the trap of “cookie cutter” editing, pushing photos out to appeal to others, and succumbing to the publics current “likes”. I am an artist, whether I knew that from the start or not. And I need to start searching for who I truly am, even if that means going backwards in business steps. I don’t know what that ultimately means for the photography portion of Grimlock Media, but I do know that “nagging feeling that I’m missing something”, is my brain trying to tell me I’ll never evolve for the better if I don’t figure out who the fuck I am and what My Style of photography looks like.
I’m obviously in a pretty weird time in my life, and I understand if I lose people because of it. But do know that I thank you for coming along with me, and thank you for reading my writings.
Catch y’all later.
Andrew Hoyle - Grimlock Media
