I thought to myself, not long ago, “why does photography really mean so much to you?”, and I think I just realized why.
I’ve said it many times before, and I’ll say it again just for good measure, but I have Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). My entire life has been a struggle to receive and retain an education in various forms, a struggle to stick to something for any long period of time, and a struggle to control or express my emotions and feelings properly. Simply enough, there’s your answer, photography has reached me in a way that nothing else has.
I fell head over heels in love with shooting photography as soon as I picked up my first professional camera. I’d love to say I fell in love with it back in 2009 when I picked up my Canon Power Shot, but I just wasn’t ready for it back then. In 2021 I was ready, I was itching to find something that would not only teach me something, but get me out of the house as well. It was that itch to be educated in something that drove me to the decision of learning and dedicating myself to shoot in Manual & in RAW, ultimately forcing me to learn both the full functionality of my camera and how to edit the photos. It started out small, and super slow, learning what different apertures did, then shutter speeds, then ISO levels, and figuring out what adjusting one does to the other. That was just the very tip in photography education that I’ve given myself, and I do mean “given myself”. I don’t learn like others do, I have to trick my brain into receiving information by finding alternate methods of learning.
One of my biggest struggles, and honestly the one that still scares me the most, is sticking with something (or better yet NOT sticking with something). I don’t mean things like sticking with shooting in manual, or learning how to compose an image / edit photos, I mean “sticking with something” on a deeper level. If you or someone your close with that has ADD, you’ll understand this better than the general public, we have an unhealthy drive to pick up new hobbies, and then (sometimes immediately) drop them for the next hobby that peaks our interest, and the fact that I’m very aware that I do this, is what scares the shit out of me. I NEVER want to lose photography, I don’t want this to be another hobby that disappears and gets set aside for the next thing. I’m sure you’re probably thinking, “well if you don’t want to lose it, and you’re aware that you have a tendency to do that, just don’t do it”, to which my reply is and always has been, “If I could control my brain perfectly I wouldn’t have ADD”. I’d love to say that I’ll never give up photography, but I just can’t. I honestly won’t know until I’ve managed to stick with it for years, or I die before giving it up.
The last part of this Un-Holy trinity of ADD fueled chaos, is actually more of a roller coaster, a positive and a slight negative, that is dealing with my emotions. I know, probably sounds dumb and cheesy, but shooting photography really has brought me better in tune with my emotions. Ones I either didn’t know I had or hadn’t felt in awhile. I’m not sure if this is so much an ADD thing, or if it’s just another pain in the ass thing I’ve had to deal with in my life. But, I’ve never been “in tune” with any of my emotions. I was a contradiction while in school, being one of the most well known kids throughout most of my years, but never feeling happy or truly connected to anyone. As soon as I left high school I went into the work force, where I quickly turned into a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde type personality, putting on a friendly face and being a fun loving guy, until the right button was pushed and I’d lose all control of my calm. I would remedy this by disappearing to the comfort of the bar almost every night, which lasted for roughly 15 years. It honestly wasn’t until I started to embrace the feelings a photo can capture (see I said you’d probably think this section would be cheesy), that I realized that there was so many emotions I needed to find within myself, and explore further. Ultimately (and hopefully) feeling like a complete person.
As much as this Un-Holy Trinity is a terrifying pain in the ass, I really do think that I can overcome each one in time. I’m hopeful for a positive outcome in my life and that I’ve found a useful tool in getting there. One more thing I’ve said repeatedly to both people I’ve talked with and in conversations online, is that I can’t thank photography enough, and I don’t think anyone comprehends the volume at which I mean that.
I’m currently planning a project titled “Family Photos”, to which I hope to connect my family and my love of photography even further. It will take an enormous amount of time, effort, money, and focus. But if I do complete this massive endeavor, it will be the biggest accomplishment and way to give thanks to photography that I’ve ever managed to complete. Further more, I truly would love your company along the way.
Until next time, I’ll catch y’all later.
Andrew Hoyle - Grimlock Media
(This weeks and last weeks photo was shot by Jimmy Humphryes “poundingthenail” on Instagram, for True Northwest Magazine’s Spring Issue)
